So She Can Share It With a Condom Guy

A couple things I'd like to note before I go ahead with this particular entry.

1. Any names I use on this blog will not be real names. They will be names I come up with based on personalities, or by names they request me to give, or simply some sort of name I see that pops up a lot.

2. The title was definitely one suggested to me by two people here.

3. My fixation on the devices in this post aren't to make fun but to point out a difference in something that I can't say I ever noticed before... and has turned into something I can't unsee even if I were to try.

Without further ado, I'll now explain why this some-what obsession has become so amusing to me.

WARNING! SPOILERS!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sadly, when it comes to movies, I'm farther behind than most people in their mid-twenties. It was only just this summer that I saw The Naked Gun for the first time. It was definitely one of the funniest movies that I'd ever seen. There were also two scenes that stuck out to me the most.

The first was during a car chase. During the action sequence, a Driver's Test is going on. When the student gets cut off by a semi-truck, the teacher, in a very monotone voice, teaches the girl how to give a proper middle-finger.

The second one was during the first date of Leslie Nielson and the leading lady. His line, "I practice safe sex." Here I am, thinking it's going to be some awkward sex scene with an old guy, and it turns out they're in condom suits!

Until I came to China, though, that movie hadn't popped in my mind very much. Then I found myself in a few stores with Little-Bit that the image appeared in my mind over and over again. Why? Because of the condom boxes.

In some ways, they're the same as American ones. Colorful, shiny, and sometimes with texture. The condom boxes here were just like that, but they also had something else that actually made me look at them... Cartoons. A cartoon drawing of a rubber. But that wasn't what made me think, "What am I looking at?" No, it was adding sunglasses and a mouth like it had some sort of attitude that made me look.

What really got me was a picture of one with wings and a bow and arrow. Immediately, I thought back to The Naked Gun. In my mind, I didn't just see a weird cartoon. No, no, no. What I saw was Leslie Neilson in that condom suit, flying around like Cupid in sunglasses and a bow and arrow. And of course, Leslie Nielson is speaking as he's flying around in his safe suit.

"Practice safe sex," he says in a serious voice while holding up the bow, "and hope the shots are blank."

And I may have ruined your brains forever with that. Yes, another post that lives up to the name, "Awkward Moments in China."

China pic of the day!

Cheating a little bit by showing pizza, but it came from the fanciest restaurant I've been in yet... Pizza hut.

Christmas in Tianjin

For Christmas this year, I decided to do something different. With no other family being in China, and friends being in a different city, I decided to volunteer through Disney and spend part of my day playing at an orphanage.

Anyone that knows me knows that I have no problem being by myself for long periods of time. Just look at my dating track record. (That's a joke.) I haven't dated in about four years. But no matter what, I make it a rule to never spend the holidays by myself. Then being by yourself just gets depressing. Hence why I was completely motivated to go to the orphanage.

I went with my co-workers to the orphanage. There were twenty kids there. The moment we walked into the room with our activities, the children's eyes lit right up. Smiles were on their faces. I wouldn't be surprised if some of them clapped too.

I immediately went to help some kids color and make Christmas cards for Santa. For the most part I stayed where I was. I didn't want to go too crazy then end up falling over from being sick. I was just over getting sick. I would've been pretty embarrassed if I relapsed from using too much energy. All I could hear the whole time I was there were smiles and laughs. One little girl got a hold of the stickers and started putting them on any adult she saw. Cinderella stayed on my hand for the rest of the day.

Honestly, I thought this Christmas was the best Christmas I've ever had. I didn't open any presents. (Which half the time I never know what to say when people ask me what I want anyway. I'm not one for asking people to get stuff for me.). So, if I didn't have any presents to open, why was it the best Christmas ever? Because I saw something I was doing make a positive difference in someone's life. That is the best gift ever. Knowing you actually did make a difference.

Tianjin picture of the day!

Don't worry, she wasn't there all day. They switch up people every few hours.

Get Down with the Sickness

Leave it to me to spend most of my first week in Tianjin sicker than a dog. Unfortunately, the colds here tend to really kick my butt. This one, in particular, was so intense that I found myself going to the hospital to get some medicine. 

Before I continue, I want to make it clear that the hospital trip was nowhere near as bad as it sounds. The reason we went to the hospital is because that's where the foreign doctor's office is. And because of the time of day it was, the only place we could enter through was the emergency room. That being said, it was still pretty terrifying. 

Why? For starters, my Chinese could only get me so far. I knew enough that I could try to tell them my symptoms. And where I failed, my trusty iPod Touch helped out. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough for me to understand what they were going to do to check me out. I understood they were going to check inside my throat to see how red it was. Other than that, nothing. 

The hospital was a lot of walking around. The first thing they did was have someone guide me to the registration part. (I was able to use my Chinese name for the first time in three years!). Next, they took me to a room where I had to try as hard as I could to describe my symptoms. They checked in my mouth. According to them, it was really red. 

After giving me a quick check-up, they took me to get my blood drawn. This part was what really scared me. I actually thought they were going to admit me for being sick. Turns out, what they did was they dropped it off in the lab. Then after 15 minutes, we scan a barcode, and it tells what's wrong with you. 

I'm not sure when this happened, but at some point we ended up back out in the lobby so the doctor helping me out could take my temperature. She was quick to lift my shirt in public. Seeing that I wasn't going to be so quick to oblige, she had the girl that came with me go to the locker room with me so I could have privacy to take my temperature. Low fever. That was the good part, at least. 

Around this time, a co-worker came by with a Chinese friend to do some translating. Like I said, my Chinese only got me so far. They asked some standard questions, then afterward, I was back out in the lobby while they got my medicine. 

The medicine seemed like a lot, but it wasn't. I had pills and some liquid. The pills I can handle. I take them once a day, then I'm done. The liquid is the harder part. Not only do I have to take it three times a day, but it's not the best tasting stuff. It's like someone mixed Soy sauce with vinegar and put sugar in it for flavor. Not pleasant. 

Tianjin picture of the day!

This is one of the views out side of my hotel room. Pretty, huh? 

Notes on Tianjin

A couple things I'd like to say about Tianjin...

1. I'm so glad I didn't have to lug all my stuff through the subways of Beijing first.

2. There's a lot less people, and it shows.

3. Day or night, it's much prettier than Beijing.

Twas the Night Before Tianjin

Packing sucks. Plain and simple. I'm still royally pissed about the fact that I wasn't allowed an extra luggage on the airport. If I'd have had that extra luggage, my life would be so much more simple, but such is life. I'll get over it once I'm done moving around.

I've got almost all of my stuff packed for the journey to Tianjin. I'm just doing laundry at the moment so that I can officially finish packing and figure out what to do with the bottle of Bai Jiu sitting in my room. Unfortunately, it's disgusting, so drinking it is out of the question. Plus, I've got to be up relatively early tomorrow, it wouldn't be a good idea anyway.

For only being here a month, I've managed to collect a lot of stuff. Other than books and random things Disney's given me, which is awesome! I managed to find a few clothes that fit and what-not. Either way, I wouldn't be surprised if almost all the bags I've somehow collected in the whole month I've been here gets used. And that's a lot of bags.

Laundry Day

Now that I'm taking a break from doing my laundry, I have reached an epiphany I'd like to share: At least once in every young person's life, he or she must do their laundry by hand in their lifetime.

It's not that I have no access to a dry cleaning service around here. I actually do through the hotel. It's just that it's a little too expensive for my liking. And the last time I did my laundry through them, all my sweaters came back reeking of cigarette smoke, so I wasn't very happy about that. So I decided this time around, I was going to do my laundry all by myself.

In China, laundry soap is not sold only in liquid form. It can actually come in bar form for the scrubbing. On impulse one night I bought it, knowing I wasn't going to be using the hotel's laundry service again. I might use the one in Tianjin, but the one here, never again. I bought a couple bars and went to work today.

The sink in the bathroom is designed to be a as big as a large bowl, so it was the perfect spot to do the washing of the smaller clothes, like panties and socks, while I'm not sure what I'm goign to do for my jeans and khakis yet. If anything, I'll probably just jump in the shower with them on and scrub as I go.

It really shows how much dust your clothes collect when a few pieces of clothing can turn the water almost black.

Bathroom Hijinks

Nothing can make a person feel fat like a bathroom.

The bathrooms at work are all the same design. Because they're adult-sized, the toilets are bigger, and there's a urinal and a sink. This particular bathroom I was in today was smaller than the one in the place that I've normally sat at. And to my surprise, it was much narrower.

I couldn't help it, the first time it happened, I laughed. I'm sure smaller people had this same problem too. All I did was simply turn to flush the toilet, and the urinal automatically flushed. Then, when I turned to see if that really was the urinal flushing, the sink went off and started spewing water. Either I have a magic ass, or a big ass. Either way, I couldn't stop laughing every time it happened.

On an unrelated note, I'm sure a lot of people have noticed I haven't been putting up Beijing pictures. That's because the internet has been way too slow for a picture. When I move to Tianjin, and I get an apartment, I'll start putting pictures up again.

The Day I Decided to be a Girl

While traveling around the Silk Market today, I noticed a small beauty parlor that I walked into offered a facial for really cheap. So, being curious, I decided to try it. Along with my first ever manicure and a waxing.

The facial was done in a Traditional Chinese style. What they did was first put some oil and cream on my face to help clean it. Then, for a deep cleaning, they took flat pieces of jade and scraped them along my face for a deeper clean. It didn't hurt at all. The edges of the jade weren't sharp. She started out with one piece, but then she decided to take two pieces.

The only thing that hurt was when she went to clean out the pores with blackheads. What she did then was take what looked like a thin metal probe and pull the blackheads out. I didn't get a good look at what the piece was. And that hurt pretty bad. She said that tomorrow my face wasn't going to look the greatest, but after tomorrow I was going to be okay. It's not something I'd recommend unless you're really brave or have a lot of blackheads. I did it to try it.

The most interesting part was the waxing. It wasn't quite the waxing a person would expect. For those that have never experienced a waxing, a thin layer of hot wax is put on whatever part's getting hair removed. Then they put a thin cloth on top of the wax and rip it off after a few seconds. Extremely painful.

This waxing, however, was not so painful. A thick layer of wax was put on my face, and it stayed there until it dried. After it was dry, it was pulled off my face in the same way a cloth would be torn off. Not only did it not hurt, but it was probably more effective than a traditional waxing. The lady also offered a bikini wax, but I politely declined.

If my budget allows for it, I could see myself going for a facial and a wax whenever I can. It was one of the most relaxing things I've ever done!

The Beijing pics of the day will probably not exist for a while. At least until the internet stops being a dick.

Sign Language and learning about Languages.

One of the most fascinating aspects of my job has got to be the different methods that people use to teach English. One of the most effective ways that's taught intrigues me a lot. Sign Language. American Sign Language to be exact.

The reason behind it is that not every child that comes your way is going to be comfortable speaking to you. Some of them won't speak at all. The problem is that it's hard to tell if the kid understands or not. So one of the ways that they've come up with to show that the kid understands is to teach sign language along with the target language to give the kid a sign that they can communicate without speaking if they don't want to right away.

To me, this is a fascinating route to go. Not only does it prompt the child to talk without actually talking, you're essentially learning a third language to teach children a second one. Will I be fluent in sign language by the time I've made my mark in this company? Who knows? EIther way, it's still a very intriguing route to go. Especially when you can't speak Chinese to the kids to help them out.

I was going to do a Beijing pic of the day, but the internet is being a dick.

Fat-Kid, Skinny Country

As a lot of you that know me personally know, I have a habit of affectionately calling myself a fat kid. Not because I don't like how I look. I actually don't mind. I say it because I own it. So when I find myself trying to shop in clothing stores in a place like China and manage to find something that actually fits, it will make my day more than you ever believe.

As most people know, if a large foreigner, such as myself, were to try to go shopping for clothes in places like China, my luck would be slim to none, unless I want multiple X's on my size. Not necessarily a bad thing. It's just a challenge to remember that it may look like you're twice your size in China when you're really not.

The biggest thing to remember when shopping for clothes is that this is one of those situations where you can't focus on the size. If you focus on the size, you either find yourself desperately coming up with jokes that make you sound like you're fishing for compliments, or you can feel sorry for yourself. A lot of the time, I hardly looked into a clothing store unless a store owner insisted that I look at her stuff. But even then, it was just things like hair accessories or the occasional pair of jewelry.

But this time around, I've been luckier with clothes. Not so much with shoes. I  have to special order shoes if I ever want to get a good pair. Either way, I may actually look like a girl in Asia! Would that be quite interesting? Maybe I'll finally retire the "Fat Kid" jokes if  I have nothing to own anymore. That would be weird.

Beijing pic of the day!

 It's really hard to get a centered picture when your iPod is only designed for selfies. But no big deal. Still a nice shot of the Forbidden City. A little piece of the Forbidden City.